国外版糗事百科 超搞笑

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导读: FML即 F*** my life的缩写,直译的话就是“艹,我的生活烂透了……” FML即 F*** my life的缩写,直译的话就是“艹,我的生活烂透了……” 在你感到不舒心的时候去这里,你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉,只有更倒霉。 1、Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had

FML即 F*** my life的缩写,直译的话就是“艹,我的生活烂透了……”

FML即 F*** my life的缩写,直译的话就是“艹,我的生活烂透了……”

在你感到不舒心的时候去这里,你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉,只有更倒霉。




1、Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

今天,我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML


2、Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML


今天,我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了,而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML




3、Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

今天,我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去,我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来,手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML



4、Today, this really attractive woman that I’ve known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me. I’m confined to a wheelchair. FML



今天,一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说,如果我能站着和她做,她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML



5、Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML



今天,我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候,他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了

Brittany!!”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML



6、Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type ‘virginia’ into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for ‘virgin boy assholes’. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m a young guy. FML



今天,我老板叫我去他的办公室,要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候,网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML



7、Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he’d re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i’m 9 weeks pregnant. FML



今天,我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候,他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML



8、Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML



今天,我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间,所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时,我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML



9、Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML



今天,我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时,她立马大喊道:“我赢喽!!”她今年才13。FML



10、Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

今天,我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说,他和我在一起的时候能硬起来,是因为我长得比较爷们。FML




11、Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night. FML

今天,我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML




12、Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

今天,我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前,我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友,家庭和一份很好的工作,就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML




13、Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML

今天,我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候,他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML



14、Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML

今天,我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML




15、Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn’t a good enough male role model because i’d misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML

今天,我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁,没人性,不害臊,然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML




16、Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

今天,我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候,我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合,结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML




17、Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

今天,我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML




18、Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, “soon, this will be plump with my seed.” FML

今天,我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克,聊着天,很愉快。突然,他把他的手放到我肚子上说:“不久之后,这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML




19、Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered “ooh this is so romantic.” He blurted out shocked, “Oh.you’re awake?!” FML

今天,我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子,解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道:“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道:“啊。你醒着呢?!”FML




20、Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

今天,我做公车去上班,后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候,她睡着了,脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年,我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上,这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说,我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML




21、Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

今天,我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气,跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML




22、Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, “I got your best friend pregnant”. FML

今天,我给我男友发短信说:“Hi”。他的回复是:“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML




23、Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed “neither” to “nigger.” I didn’t notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

今天,我上交了我的博士论文,我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚,我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML




24、Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said ‘Now, do me’. FML

今天,我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后,我转过身来,发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ,对我说:“现在来X我。”FML




25、Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

今天,为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML




26、Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can’t have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

今天,我发现因为我的血压太高,我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期,然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML




27、Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me “Stop!” The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

今天,我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他,发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开,他告诉我“别动!”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML




28、Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

今天,我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚,在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML




29、Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

今天,我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜,我就假装睡着了。结果,他们是想要OOXX,所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML




30、Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn’t feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women’s restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

今天,我在外面吃饭的时候,饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择,但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说,他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML




31、Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989″. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML

今天,我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机,惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在ML做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着:“百慕大,1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML





32、Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

今天,我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方:一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友,想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML




33、Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said “Do you believe in Jesus?” FML

今天,我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉,就开始亲热。一步接着一步,然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备,她突然停了下来,抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗?”FML




34、Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He’s barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, “Thanks for last night”, and leaves. FML

今天,我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼,这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门,亲了我的脸颊,用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML




35、Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my ‘junk’ to catch herself. FML

今天,我光着身子站在床边,等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我,扭动着她的腰,什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候,她在地板垫上跌了一跤,而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML




36、Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

今天,我躺在床上试图睡着,可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后,我想他们应该已经完事了,所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML




37、Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

今天,我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML




38、Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

今天,我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话,得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下,然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切,结果他给了我一张罚单,说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML




39、Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

今天,我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后,他先去看信箱里面有没有信,然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML




40、Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

今天,我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了,政府能补贴多少钱。FML




41、Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: “Baby, who’s there?” FML

今天,拿着鲜花和晚餐,打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门,道了歉转身准备离开的时候,我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝,门口的是谁?”FML




42、Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

今天,我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍,发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我,说了句:“愚人节快乐!”那天是3月19号。FML






43、Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i’ve dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn’t anorexic. They jokingly asked “Do you have cancer or something?” All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML


今天,我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说:“那你是得了癌症什么的吗?”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML




44、Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. “I-I-I MISS HIM!” She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

今天,我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事,她回答说:“我——我——我——我想他!!”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML




45、Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “to:” field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: “you filthy faggot”. FML

今天,我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友,告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到:”那一栏的时候,系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句:“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML




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